In the same way you wouldn't expect your Kindergartener to be able to understand the physics of rocket propulsion mechanics, you can't expect your toddler to understand cause and effect. They are just learning about the world and don't yet understand that the stove is hot, or that falling from the counter can hurt them. When you add in developmental delays, understanding where your kiddo is at is even more important. My 7-year-old daughter has the same understanding of money as a two year old does, that it shouldn't go in your mouth and that's about it. That's the reality of her development right now, so I can't expect her to understand that she can't have the giant lego set because it is $200 and she'll put it together one time. Instead, she understands that the giant lego set isn't hers right now and that she doesn't always get every toy that she wants.
Many parenting books illustrate this point, but Dr. Lawrence Steinberg talks about 4 important points to keep in mind about development when we are parenting in his book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting (2005).
The first point he talks about is that your child will be making big changes, both inside and out. "Development is more than just getting bigger or taller." he says. "It also involves changes in the way your child thinks, in the feelings he has, in the things he is capable of, in the way he thinks about himself, and in the way he relates to other people (including you). It is true that all chil dren are unique, but it is also true that all children at the same stage of development have a lot in common." I would like you to remember that he is talking about development, not age. What is true for one 5 year old may not be true for another and those kiddos with special needs will often be behind (or extremely ahead) of their peers in any given developmental area.
The second point he makes is that development is relatively predictable, in that when your child goes through one stage, there will probably be a progression to another stage. This is sometimes true with special needs kiddos, sometimes it won't be. But I really enjoy the advice he gives and think it is important for us to remember as well. He says "Make it a point to learn about each stage of development that your child goes through before your child gets there. Good books and other parenting materials are available for every stage of your child's development, not just infancy. If you know what to expect before your child gets to the next stage, you'll not only have an easier time as a parent, but you'll also enjoy that period of your child's development more." If we know what might be coming, we can be better prepared to deal with it when it comes. I read a lot of parenting books about potty training. A lot. So many. When my daughter was 2, then 3, then 4... I read about how to help her. So, when she was 6 (yes, you really read that right. 6) and we finally started consistently going to the bathroom in the bathroom, I was better able to deal with the developmental stage at hand, even if it was 4 years "late".
The next thing he points out is that "neither you nor your child can control the nature or pace of her psychological development any more than you or she can control the nature or pace of her physical development." Ah, how we understand that one. I want nothing more than for my little one to be able to run and jump and play like the other kiddos but we just haven't gotten our gross motor development to that point yet. We walk carefully and don't climb. We need to feel stable and on the ground. That's where we are right now. And there is nothing that I can do to speed it up besides encourage her to work through that development. That's the reality of it. We do what we can with the tools we have and then we encourage the heck out of those kiddos when they are working through it all.
Lastly, Dr. Steinberg gives us that age old, infuriating piece of advice that "the same forces that are changing your child for the better as he develops are usually contributing to the parenting challenges associated with that period." In other words, if you want your kiddo to be independent, you have to deal with the push back when you try to help them put on one shirt and they want another. If you want your kiddo to be able to stand up for what they believe in, you have to be ready to hear the arguments against doing their chores. "The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say no all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained. The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your thirteen-year-old curious and inquisitive in the class room is also making her argumentative at the dinner table."
Dr. Steinberg's advice fits for both parents of nuerotypical kiddos and nuerodivergent kiddos. All parents could do well with understanding developmental stages. If I has known more about development when A was 18 months, I could have gotten her the help she needed earlier. If more parents knew about development, they would be better equipped to handle our kiddos ever changing demeanor.
Here's today's motto (you know the drill, repeat it with me. Print it out. Write it on your mirror.):
All that said, keep doing your best, friend. Read and learn and love those kiddos to death and you'll all be alright.
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