Emotions. We all have them. Sometimes we wish our kiddos didn't have such huge emotions, but emotional regulation, and learning how to understand, differentiate and work through emotions is a huge part of child development that continues, honestly, throughout our entire lives. I still struggle with emotional regulation and I am a full grown adult! I know! Crazy!
Something that I have learned that has really helped my kiddo is something called Emotion Coaching. What is emotion coaching, anyways? To me, emotion coaching is a strategy to teach our children to acknowledge and understand their emotions. When they are able to do that, it can reduce the amount of stress their emotions cause them.
There have been many really smart people who have talked about this, one of which is Dr. John Gottman who wrote a book entitled Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (1998). Something he said that really stuck with me was "When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.” If you think back to the Parenting Pyramid, the parent-child relationship is above personal way of being (you gotta take care of yourself first!) but below teaching or correcting.
When we allow our children to feel their big feelings and work through them, not only are we improving our parent-child relationship, we are also helping them to understand that these feelings are normal. That's the first step to conquering them!
Now, I know what you're thinking. Or I can tell you what I was thinking when I first heard this. "Well, that's all fine and dandy at home, in private but what about when my daughter is screaming in the produce section at Walmart because I won't let her have cupcakes for dinner."
We have our first scenario. Let's paint the scene. We are standing in the produce section at Walmart, right by the bananas. Our child, who was previously a little angel and who promised to be on best behavior in order to come with Mom to Walmart, is laying on the ground next to the cart screaming bloody murder because you won't let her have a cupcake for dinner. People are looking at us with either pity or straight up disgust. Believe me. I've been in this exact scenario. Here's the thing. We have our choices.
1. We pick her up and rush her as quickly as we can out of the store and, still screaming and now probably kicking and punching you, you go out to the car. What do you do then? You need groceries for dinner. You'll have to go back in at some point.
2. You let her scream. Radical, I know, but you sit down on the ground next to her and let her scream. You can say "I can see that you are feeling some really big emotions." Screaming will probably continue. "Is there something that you would like for dinner?" At this point, you're probably going to hear a scream "CUPCAKES!" if anything besides more screaming. You nod, take a deep breath if you need it, and respond, "You're so silly!" with a joking demeanor, "Cupcakes aren't a dinner food." Then give 3 options for dinner. At this point, your child is probably going to realize they are making a scene. Embarrassment will probably follow (Yay for natural consequences!) and, before you know it, your kiddos is not screaming anymore. Maybe they'll even tell you which dinner option they want.
Now, I know, that second option seems PAINFUL. Can you imagine? The embarrassment! You can imagine the looks you'd receive, I am sure of it. But let me tell you something. That second option is teaching. That second option is pulling us down the pyramid from correcting (Be quiet now!) to teaching (This is a really big emotion you are feeling. Let's find our way through it.) That second option takes us from needing to do this again to having our children think twice before screaming in the store, because remember, toward the end, they are going to feel that embarrassment and remember that next time.
So I have two things to say. One, we are just trying to teach our kiddos how to get through those really big, painful emotions so that the next time they feel them, they can recognize them, and they can move through them.
Two, you got this. Who cares what some random stranger in Walmart thinks? Do you have to live with her? No, but you do have to live with the small human who wants cupcakes for dinner. We are all just trying to do the best we can with the situation we've been given.
So, today's motto. Repeat it with me.
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