Emotions. We all have them. Sometimes we wish our kiddos didn't have such huge emotions, but emotional regulation, and learning how to understand, differentiate and work through emotions is a huge part of child development that continues, honestly, throughout our entire lives. I still struggle with emotional regulation and I am a full grown adult! I know! Crazy! 

Something that I have learned that has really helped my kiddo is something called Emotion Coaching. What is emotion coaching, anyways? To me, emotion coaching is a strategy to teach our children to acknowledge and understand their emotions. When they are able to do that, it can reduce the amount of stress their emotions cause them. 

There have been many really smart people who have talked about this, one of which is Dr. John Gottman who wrote a book entitled Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (1998). Something he said that really stuck with me was "When parents offer their children empathy and help them to cope with negative feelings like anger, sadness, and fear, parents build bridges of loyalty and affection.” If you think back to the Parenting Pyramid, the parent-child relationship is above personal way of being (you gotta take care of yourself first!) but below teaching or correcting. 

When we allow our children to feel their big feelings and work through them, not only are we improving our parent-child relationship, we are also helping them to understand that these feelings are normal. That's the first step to conquering them! 

Now, I know what you're thinking. Or I can tell you what I was thinking when I first heard this. "Well, that's all fine and dandy at home, in private  but what about when my daughter is screaming in the produce section at Walmart because I won't let her have cupcakes for dinner." 

We have our first scenario. Let's paint the scene. We are standing in the produce section at Walmart, right by the bananas. Our child, who was previously a little angel and who promised to be on best behavior in order to come with Mom to Walmart, is laying on the ground next to the cart screaming bloody murder because you won't let her have a cupcake for dinner. People are looking at us with either pity or straight up disgust. Believe me. I've been in this exact scenario. Here's the thing. We have our choices. 

1. We pick her up and rush her as quickly as we can out of the store and, still screaming and now probably kicking and punching you, you go out to the car. What do you do then? You need groceries for dinner. You'll have to go back in at some point. 

2. You let her scream. Radical, I know, but you sit down on the ground next to her and let her scream. You can say "I can see that you are feeling some really big emotions." Screaming will probably continue. "Is there something that you would like for dinner?" At this point, you're probably going to hear a scream "CUPCAKES!" if anything besides more screaming. You nod, take a deep breath if you need it, and respond, "You're so silly!" with a joking demeanor, "Cupcakes aren't a dinner food." Then give 3 options for dinner. At this point, your child is probably going to realize they are making a scene. Embarrassment will probably follow (Yay for natural consequences!) and, before you know it, your kiddos is not screaming anymore. Maybe they'll even tell you which dinner option they want. 

Now, I know, that second option seems PAINFUL. Can you imagine? The embarrassment! You can imagine the looks you'd receive, I am sure of it. But let me tell you something. That second option is teaching. That second option is pulling us down the pyramid from correcting (Be quiet now!) to teaching (This is a really big emotion you are feeling. Let's find our way through it.) That second option takes us from needing to do this again to having our children think twice before screaming in the store, because remember, toward the end, they are going to feel that embarrassment and remember that next time. 

So I have two things to say. One, we are just trying to teach our kiddos how to get through those really big, painful emotions so that the next time they feel them, they can recognize them, and they can move through them. 

Two, you got this. Who cares what some random stranger in Walmart thinks? Do you have to live with her? No, but you do have to live with the small human who wants cupcakes for dinner. We are all just trying to do the best we can with the situation we've been given. 

So, today's motto. Repeat it with me. 

We got this friend. Deep breaths. It's all going to be okay. 

Sources: 

Gottman, J. (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon and Schuster. 

It's All About the Development

Development. If you have a kiddo with any type of special needs, I am sure you've heard ALL about development. The ways your kiddo is right on track. The areas that need a little extra support. My little one started missing developmental milestones when she was 18 months, although I didn't know it at the time. Some kids miss milestones much earlier. But understanding where your child is developmentally is incredibly important when you're parenting. 

In the same way you wouldn't expect your Kindergartener to be able to understand the physics of rocket propulsion mechanics, you can't expect your toddler to understand cause and effect. They are just learning about the world and don't yet understand that the stove is hot, or that falling from the counter can hurt them. When you add in developmental delays, understanding where your kiddo is at is even more important. My 7-year-old daughter has the same understanding of money as a two year old does, that it shouldn't go in your mouth and that's about it. That's the reality of her development right now, so I can't expect her to understand that she can't have the giant lego set because it is $200 and she'll put it together one time. Instead, she understands that the giant lego set isn't hers right now and that she doesn't always get every toy that she wants. 

Many parenting books illustrate this point, but Dr. Lawrence Steinberg talks about 4 important points to keep in mind about development when we are parenting in his book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting (2005). 

The first point he talks about is that your child will be making big changes, both inside and out. "Development is more than just getting bigger or taller." he says. "It also involves changes in the way your child thinks, in the feelings he has, in the things he is capable of, in the way he thinks about himself, and in the way he relates to other people (including you). It is true that all chil­ dren are unique, but it is also true that all children at the same stage of development have a lot in common." I would like you to remember that he is talking about development, not age. What is true for one 5 year old may not be true for another and those kiddos with special needs will often be behind (or extremely ahead) of their peers in any given developmental area. 

The second point he makes is that development is relatively predictable, in that when your child goes through one stage, there will probably be a progression to another stage. This is sometimes true with special needs kiddos, sometimes it won't be. But I really enjoy the advice he gives and think it is important for us to remember as well. He says "Make it a point to learn about each stage of development that your child goes through before your child gets there. Good books and other parenting materials are available for every stage of your child's development, not just infancy. If you know what to expect before your child gets to the next stage, you'll not only have an easier time as a parent, but you'll also enjoy that period of your child's development more." If we know what might be coming, we can be better prepared to deal with it when it comes. I read a lot of parenting books about potty training. A lot. So many. When my daughter was 2, then 3, then 4... I read about how to help her. So, when she was 6 (yes, you really read that right. 6) and we finally started consistently going to the bathroom in the bathroom, I was better able to deal with the developmental stage at hand, even if it was 4 years "late". 

The next thing he points out is that "neither you nor your child can control the nature or pace of her psychological development any more than you or she can control the nature or pace of her physical development." Ah, how we understand that one. I want nothing more than for my little one to be able to run and jump and play like the other kiddos but we just haven't gotten our gross motor development to that point yet. We walk carefully and don't climb. We need to feel stable and on the ground. That's where we are right now. And there is nothing that I can do to speed it up besides encourage her to work through that development. That's the reality of it. We do what we can with the tools we have and then we encourage the heck out of those kiddos when they are working through it all. 

Lastly, Dr. Steinberg gives us that age old, infuriating piece of advice that "the same forces that are changing your child for the better as he develops are usually contributing to the parenting challenges associated with that period." In other words, if you want your kiddo to be independent, you have to deal with the push back when you try to help them put on one shirt and they want another. If you want your kiddo to be able to stand up for what they believe in, you have to be ready to hear the arguments against doing their chores. "The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say no all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained. The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your thirteen-year-old curious and inquisitive in the class­ room is also making her argumentative at the dinner table." 

Dr. Steinberg's advice fits for both parents of nuerotypical kiddos and nuerodivergent kiddos. All parents could do well with understanding developmental stages. If I has known more about development when A was 18 months, I could have gotten her the help she needed earlier. If more parents knew about development, they would be better equipped to handle our kiddos ever changing demeanor. 

Here's today's motto (you know the drill, repeat it with me. Print it out. Write it on your mirror.): 

All that said, keep doing your best, friend. Read and learn and love those kiddos to death and you'll all be alright. 

Sources: 

Steinberg, L. (2005). The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting. Simon & Schuster. 

You Gotta Take Care of You First!

Being a parent is a 24/7, every minute of every day, all consuming job. That's just the reality of being a parent. You can't turn off the part of your brain that worries and plans and thinks about your child. If you're religious, God created us that way. If you're not, our brains have evolved to keep our kiddos alive. No matter how we got here, here we are. 

And it's exhausting. Capital E exhausting some days. Add more than one kiddo, or a kiddo with a strange death wish who climbs on the counters and refrigerator and into the washing machine, and you have even more to worry about! It is so incredibly easy to get lost in worrying about everyone else that you don't stop to worry about yourself. And then comes the burn out. Believe me, I've been there! 

As a single mom to a special needs child, there were times when I completely forgot about me and my needs. In fact, I didn't stop to ask for help until my daughter was FIVE. Every minute of every day for 5 years, I was mom. "Mom" this and "mom" that and I forgot that I was Meghan too. So I asked my parents to watch A for a long weekend and I packed up the car and drove away. And you know what? I cried half of the way from here to my best friend's house. I hadn't been away from her for a night, let alone 4 days! But those days taught me something SO important. I need to make sure I am okay. I am a better mom when Mehgan is okay. 

Some really smart people over at the Arbinger Institute think the same thing. They came up with this awesome diagram called the Parenting Pyramid. 

You see that big section at the bottom? That's YOU. How YOU are. Who YOU are. The biggest section of this pyramid isn't about your children at all! It's about you and how you are being. Your Personal Way of Being. 

In an article published by the Arbinger Institute, they talked about what to do when you're having trouble in one of the areas of the pyramid. They said "An important hint about parenthood follows from this discussion. It is this: The solution to a problem in one part of the pyramid lies below that part of the pyramid." In other words, if you're struggling with teaching your children, you probably need to look at your relationship with them. BUT, here's the kicker, if you are struggling with your Personal Way of Being, you will struggle all the way up the pyramid. Who you are and your needs have to be taken care of first. Let me repeat this: Your needs HAVE to be taken care of first if you want to succeed as a parent. 

So I encourage you to take a step back and ask yourself the basic questions. 

-Am I living only on caffeine and the occasional granola bar I found in my kid's diaper bag, or have I eaten a nutritious, full meal today? 

-Did I get enough sleep or am I a zombie living on Diet Mt. Dew and a prayer? 

-Have I connected to my higher power or my own intuition today (if that's your thing)? 

-Have I taken a shower, like a washed my hair, shaved my pits shower recently? 

-When was the last time I took time for myself? 

If the answer to any of these was a begrudging "I guess not...", it's time to schedule time for yourself, friend. Believe me, I have been there. I have had times where I answered "I guess not..." to every single one of these things. I have felt what you are feeling. There was one time that I literally paid $200 to sit in my therapist's office and take a nap! I get it. All too well. 

But taking 15 minutes to really shower, or 10 minutes to deep dive into my relationship with my higher power or meditate, or paint, or do something I love doing can honestly make all the difference. 

So, today's motto is (repeat after me, friend): 

And don't forget it. 

If you want to read more about the Parenting Pyramid, the Arbinger Institute has many great resources. 

Sources: 

The Arbinger Institute. 1998. The Parenting Pyramid. The Arbinger Company. 

Welcome!

Hello there! My name is Meghan and I am so happy you're here. 

I am just a single mama to an amazing, spunky, incredible daughter, who in the internet sphere we'll call A, who also happens to have Autism Spectrum Disorder. Raising a little human in this big, wide world is hard for anyone! Parenting is hard! But when you add a little sprinkle of nuerodivergence to the table, and to be honest, we both have a little sprinkle of nuerodivergence (adult diagnosed ADHD for the win!), it is all the more complicated. 

Through this crazy journey, though, I've picked up a thing or two, and I am currently studying Marriage and Family Studies at BYU-Idaho, with the hopes to go onto becoming a therapist specializing in families with special needs children. That said, I hope you find some value in reading through my thoughts. I don't have all the answers, and I will absolutely be referencing some amazing, intelligent and much more knowledgeable than me people for you to research on your own. But I hope you stick around, take a deep breath and know that, together, we got this 💪🏻